Friday Q & A: When Opportunity Knocks

I've decided to start a Friday Q&A, where I attempt to answer one or two questions that came my way by email during the week. This one from Scotti:

Do you think guys with sex addictions have a harder time finding willing females? Do you think opportunity is easier as a female?

Well, I'm no gender studies expert, but I imagine it's easier for women. Because most men are probably less accustomed to being offered casual sex than most women, men (speaking in very general terms) as a group are probably more likely to be flattered, dumbfounded, and ultimately tempted by the offer. Men are more apt to view an offer of sex from a stranger as an opportunity that shouldn't be missed.

Most women who exhibit some degree of confidence find themselves constantly fielding offers for sex--some subtle, some not. A decent-looking woman at a well-populated party might logically surmise that, were she of a mind to do so, she could go home with any one of a number of willing fellows. A man at the same party, however, probably has fewer options. For women (I'm referring to the non-addict population here) it's probably much easier to decline any given offer of sex, because we know another offer is just around the bend.

As a woman, I know that I can walk into a supermarket, a bookstore, a Laundromat, a bank, a restaurant, even the DMV--and find at least one man with whom to share a tender moment. I'd venture that men don't have it quite so easy.

A bit of anecdotal evidence: recently I walked into Tully's. This was in the Castro, where my chances of hooking up with a guy were diminished by roughly 98%. I went in because I wanted a cup of coffee--just a simple dose of caffeine, nothing more. It came as some surprise, then, to see a guy sitting at one of those very tall cafe tables, half-hidden behind a copy of the Chronicle, checking me out. He was about 27, medium height, wearing wire-rimmed glasses and an old concert T. The place was packed, so I asked if I could share his table. He said I could. "Want part of the paper?" he asked.

"No," I said. "You can just tell me the highlights."

"Too depressing," he said.

"You live around here?" I asked.

"No, I'm housesitting for a friend."

"Where's the friend?" I asked.

"In Lisbon."

"Where's the house?"

"Over on Diamond, a couple of blocks up the hill."

Which is when I asked the question no guy in a similar situation could have gotten away with. I said, "Can I see it?"

His eyes lit up, and I knew he was thinking, "What are the chances?" He was considering the improbability. He was thinking that a very unlikely gift had just fallen in his lap from the blue. "Now?" he asked.

"Now," I said. That was that. (It was a lovely place, by the way, although a little too Victorian for my taste. It looked like one of those houses that had been color-coded by Bob Buckner).

Imagine a guy just a few sentences into a conversation with a woman he's never met before asking to see her place. She'd size him up for dangerous weapons and start looking for the nearest exit.

Of course, I realize that there are millions of men out there who aren't the least bit interested in casual sex, and millions of women who are. But in making a very generalized comparison between the sexes here, it seems to me that the answer to Scotti's question is yes, male sex addicts probably have a harder time finding willing females.

What are your thoughts on the matter?